Atheism 2012: The Year in Review

*Warning* Adult language below. šŸ™‚

Now that 2012 has passed, I thought I’d share with you what I learned about atheism in 2012, through Twitter, YouTube, blogging, etc. Since I am relatively new to the “community,” some of the events that triggered what I learned in 2012 occurred before 2012, but I learned them myself in 2012. As a premise to my list, please note that I am a man, and thus, a misogynist asshole.*

  1. I may only go into elevators alone. If a woman enters the elevator with me, I must leave immediately.*
  2. As a man, my brain is that of a damaged woman. Unfortunately, because my brain is damaged, I am too stupid to realize what a misogynistic asshole I really am. Any woman (who is not a “chill girl”) who tells me I am a misogynistic asshole is inherently correct, and I must immediately apologize and modify my behavior.*
  3. When crossing the street and a female approaches, I must immediately run away. If I am in a crowded area full of many females, I had no business being there in the first place.*
  4. Virtual hugs are bad. Really bad.*
  5. Even though I have never raped a woman, or ever desired to, I will rape you, if you are a woman. Come here, it’s rapey time.*
  6. If I am drunk and have sex with a woman, she has been raped. If she is drunk and I am sober, I am still a rapist. Only women can be raped, and only men can rape. Actually, sobriety is irrelevant. All sex is a man raping a woman, even if it’s two men having sex. It’s all rape. Rape!*
  7. Social justice is a well-defined term that everyone agrees on. There is no room for interpretation. Thank goodness.*
  8. All atheists are mature. No atheists result to name calling, profanity, false DMCAs, or doc dropping. It never happens. We’re all upstanding hallmarks of a good society.*
  9. When commenting on blogs and tweeting, saying ‘fuck’ a lot of writing in all caps is an effective communication technique and should be used whenever possible.*
  10. If you disagree with a feminist about anything, you are a misogynist.*
  11. ‘Mansplaining’ is a real word. Seriously, go look it up in the Webster’s dictionary. It’s there.*
  12. When selecting speakers for an atheist/secular/humanist conference, you must select an equal number of men and women, or more women. Qualifications such as experience, education, scientific acclaim or knowledge, speaking ability or number of best sellers about atheism are irrelevant. It’s best to just pick some random bloggers – but not me, I’m a guy.*
  13. It’s OK to tell others to “check their privilege” when using your own for personal gain.*
  14. Blogging is ‘real’ activism. Don’t waste your time working with legislators, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or helping battered women. Stay behind your computer screen and affect real change.*
  15. Atheism + is a raging success. It is not a self-proctored form of therapy, as some detractors have claimed.*
  16. Atheism naturally leads to feminism and social justice (as well-defined as it is).*
  17. Equality only means equality for women. Men cannot claim inequality under any circumstances. And other minorities, such as African Americans and Hispanics? Forget about it, especially if you’re a man. You already have equality, so shut up, you misogynist asshole.*
  18. The true definition of atheism is “equality for women.” All that lack-of-belief-in-any-gods stuff is irrelevant.*
  19. Silencing critics and name calling are logical forms of argument.*
  20. Logical fallacies and claims without evidence only matter when debating theists.*
  21. There is only one brand of feminism.*
  22. I’m a man, so I should go fuck myself.* **

*Upon critical analysis, I determined these claims were in fact, false.

**Does not apply to PZ Myers.

(Yes, this is satire. Don’t call your mom if you don’t like it. Just keep blogging and let the slactivism flow through you…and don’t forget to use the word ‘fuck’ a lot in your comment.)

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Atheism 2012: The Year in Review

  1. Thank you for this.

    If you like satire, please check out my page.
    immortalnobody.com

    I’m a desperate fuck.

  2. Shmeggley

    Rather fucking funny, congratu-fucking-lations on a great post! Fuck!

  3. Can we just pretend that whole Atheism+ thing never happened?

  4. This is a fucking shit post*

  5. Zenspace

    FUCK! This post is fuckin’ excellent! Really, just, well, FUCK!!

    You would be a natural over at the slymepit.com where we monitor all this fucking stuff.

    Count me subscribed. Nice fucking work!

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